


remember it all too well

by chuyasexual



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Multi, Past Lives, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Reincarnation, tfw you tried to kill ur bf in a past life, tfw your bf killed ur brother lowkey but not rlly in his past life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:47:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29247519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuyasexual/pseuds/chuyasexual
Summary: It's not everyday you wake up and find out that you and your boyfriend not only knew you each other in a past life, but that you hated him for causing your brother's death. Some things are better left in the past.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Claude von Riegan, Minor or Background Relationship(s), past dimileth - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11
Collections: The Three Houses AU Bang





	remember it all too well

**Author's Note:**

> hello! 
> 
> this is my submission for the [FE3H AU Bang! ](https://yevie.github.io/FE3HAUBang/). please go check out the artist I was paired with [triche ](https://twitter.com/nodavss), and their artwork! it's super amazing!!
> 
> title is from all too well from taylor swift bc im a clown

The stupidest part of it all, is that when Felix comes back to himself and sees the remnants of the axolotl mug he gifted Dimitri on the floor, his first thought is,  _ oh shit, Dimitri just broke his favorite mug _ , and not,  _ oh shit, Dimitri tried to kill me in a past life _ .

Thankfully, he had only just put the eggs in the pan, and however long it took for his brain to take in an extra hundred years worth of memories, it apparently wasn’t enough time for the eggs to cook. 

“Felix”, He hears Dimitri say behind him, sounding just as dazed and horrified as Felix feels, but the black-haired man simply raises his palm in a halting gesture and points to the eggs, hoping to convey his desire to finish cooking before they talk about whatever the fuck just happened. He hopes Dimitri can’t see the way Felix’s hands are gripping the spatula a little too tightly, the way Felix is scraping the eggs much more roughly than he normally would. 

As he flips the eggs, Felix’s mind races, trying to process everything that just happened. It had been a normal morning for both of them- Felix had just come back from his morning run to find Dimitri coming out of the shower, and after a quick shower himself, they settled down in the kitchen, Dimitri making preparations for a debate he had upcoming, and Felix making their breakfast. Sylvain liked to joke about Felix having become a housewife since moving in with Dimitri, but it wasn’t his fault Dimitri was an absolute disaster in the kitchen and would definitely live off of ramen if Felix didn’t intervene.

He had just cracked the eggs into the pan when the world tilted under him, and suddenly visions flashed before his eyes- a land that seemed to have come out of a medieval tv show entirely replete with knights and magic, himself slashing a sword left and right in a 15th century palace, Dimitri’s bloodstained cloak as he mowed down soldiers in red- the Imperial Army- because they had fought Edelgard, and won- Sylvain and him visiting each other’s manors well into their late 40s, Glenn’s fallen body on the ground-  _ boar, pig, useless _ \- 

Dimitri and him had known each other before in a previous life- not only that, he had hated Dimitri, for causing Glenn’s death- called him boar and pig and other horrible names-

“Felix?” He hears Dimitri’s concerned voice behind him, but not too close, as though he’s carefully keeping his existence. “You’re shaking. Perhaps you should-”

Felix slams the eggs he’s just plated down on the counter, feeling the kitchen shake around him at his force. He takes a deep breath, and finally faces Dimitri, who he’s been trying not to look at for the past few mins. 

At first, he thinks something will have changed when he looks at the other man, like maybe he’ll see a massive royal blue fur cloak and eyepatch overlaid onto his boyfriend, see the  _ beast king _ in all his glory, but no, it’s just his Dimitri, wearing the ugly grey sweater that Felix insists should have never seen the light of day but Dimitri stubbornly persists on wearing because Annette had knitted it for him and Dimitri was way too nice for his own good, and plaid black sweatpants that Felix is pretty sure are actually his from the tight fit. 

This is his Dimitri, the love of his mushy life, not the Saviour King of Faerghus from whatever the fuck many years ago- so why does he feel the words choking in his throat before he can let them out? Why are his hands trembling- like he’s some child and not the grown-ass man in university that he is?

Felix opens his mouth.  _ Dimitri _ \- is what he means to say, is what he wants to say but he can feel the words shaping around his lip, words that he knows would only hurt his boyfriend, and god, Felix may be all levels of fucked up and betrayed right now, but he does not want to hurt Dimitri- so he just closes his mouth and says nothing. 

Dimitri looks increasingly disappointed at his silence, but Felix doesn’t know what to say- or do really, so he just stands there like a goddamn fool while his boyfriend looks more and more like the cat gif Sylvain sends Felix whenever he thinks Felix is mad at him (that he definitely hasn’t saved to his phone). 

“If you-” Dimitri coughs. “If you want me to leave, I completely understand.”

“No.” Felix says, finding that he is as surprised at his vehemence as Dimitri is, hope beginning to appear on the other man’s face. He may not- he may not be sure exactly how he feels about Dimitri right now- but the other man is in the same boat as him, and he should definitely not be alone right now. 

They’re at an impasse, both staring at each other with vague uneasiness as the silence grows heavier and the room. And then a phone starts ringing and they both jolt, Felix realizing that it’s his ringtone for Sylvain. 

He walks back to the counter, secretly happy that there was an interruption to whatever weird anti-stand-off that was, and grabs his phone, putting it on speaker. 

“You remember?” Felix asks immediately into the speaker, trying to ignore the heat of Dimitri’s gaze on it. 

“I’m guessing you do too from that response” Sylvain’s voice has his casual carelessness and friendliness woven into it, but there’s a stiffness- an archaic tone to it that Felix has never heard from him before. “Dimitri?”

“...Yeah we both do”, Felix says, mind racing at the implications. If Sylvain remembers, how many other people do? Is this limited to the people in the Blue Lions? Those who survived the war? All of their classmates?

Wait. 

Does Glenn remember? 

Surely not, Felix thinks, surely it’s not everyone in their past lives- it can’t have been. If so, there would be people cropping up all over the news right now talking about past lives and Crests and war and he has no notifications on his phone of impending doom. 

But even then-

He feels someone come up behind him, and he moves on instinct, twisting his body around and yanking his arm around their neck- one of the strangulation techniques the Professor had taught him for brawling-

Wait-

He realizes it’s Dimitri he was about strangle- Dimitri, feral prince turned king, murderer, psychopath. Dimitri, college student, debater, and his boyfriend of 3 years. The blond man is carefully still but obviously shocked- probably because he hadn’t expected to be fucking assasinated by Felix when he came within a few feet of him-

“Hello? Is everything okay? Did you die?” Sylvain’s voice sounds from the phone and Felix jolts, realizing that he’s still on the phone with Sylvain. 

“Sorry”, Felix says shortly, suddenly needing this conversation to be over. “Do you mind talking to Dimitri? I’ll be-” and saying that, he hands Dimitri the phone and stalks through their bedroom and into the bathroom, slamming the door and splashing water on his face, trying to keep himself from going insane. 

He runs his hands through his hair and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks- well just as about axe-crazy as he felt on the inside, good to know that, he supposes. He continues splashing water on his water, wishing he had a barrel of some sort to dunk his head in- that used to be a good way to get himself out of his thoughts when he was out on a hunt. 

He stops and wipes his face dry with a towel, taking a few breaths to calm himself down. He is Felix Fraldarius, 21 year old college student, neuroscience major, Dimitri’s boyfriend. He is not- the heir of the Fraldarius- the King’s Shield, the boar’s right-hand man-

_ Get a fucking grip on yourself _ , he thinks, resisting the urge to pull his own hair out. Dimitri wouldn’t like that- he would look at him with that disappointed look that always made Felix’s heart hurt, tell him that he would rather Felix take his anger on him than himself.

Dimitri had always been far too self-sacrificing for his own good. 

“Felix?”

Speak of the devil. 

“Is everything okay in there? Are you safe?” Dimitri’s voice sounded so incredibly worried and Felix felt a pit open in his stomach. Here he was, trying to hurt his boyfriend, while all the other man did was worry about him. He needed to get out of here, not only for his own sake, but for Dimitri’s. 

He takes a deep breath and opens the door, seeing Dimitri’s worried eyes immediately fall upon him. He steps forward pointedly, but Dimitri doesn’t move back, still watching him with that look that made Felix want to simultaneously punch him and kiss him.

He did neither. “I’m going to Glenn’s for a bit.”

“Felix, I don’t think-”

“Only for a little bit”, Felix interrupts. “I think- I think it’s best if we both get some space from each other right now.” He gestures to how they’re both awkwardly standing towards each other. He sees Dimitri look disappointed, but he keeps his resolve firm. This is best for both of them.

“Okay”, Dimitri says. “But- do you mind taking a cab or something? I would rather you not drive when you’re-” He cuts himself off.

_ Unhinged? _ Felix thinks wryly, but nods. His hands are trembling so much he’s pretty sure he’d be a danger to anyone on the road right now. He grabs his coat from their wardrobe, checking the pockets to make sure his keys are there. He frowns, realizing he doesn’t know where he last kept his phone. He looks around the room- he remembers he last had it in the kitchen- did he bring it with him into the bathroom?

“Here”, Dimitri said, with amusement in his voice, handing him the phone- and oh yeah, he had been talking with Sylvain. Their fingers touch over the phone, and it sends sparks up Felix’s arm. He resists the urge to open his mouth, not entirely sure what would come out if he did. 

They walk to the door in silence, Felix tying up his hair into a neater ponytail as he walks. It’s only in the doorway that he feels able to speak.

“Look I- I love you, okay. And I’ll be back tonight. So don’t-” He closes his eyes, “Don’t doubt that.”

Dimitri watches him with a strange mix of sadness and fondness. “I love you too.”

Felix watches him carefully. “Are you feeling safe?”

Dimitri nods firmly, and Felix feels the building panic in chest dissipate a little. Still, when the elevator doors close in front of him, he turns on his phone and dials Ingrid’s number. No matter what happened between them, Dimitri shouldn’t be alone right now.

-

The cab ride there is awkward, his driver being one of those insanely friendly types who can’t help but ask you about every little thing. Felix mostly grunts and nods his way through the conversation, and the driver, having gotten the message, stays mostly silent from then on.

When he gets to Glenn’s house, a homey little thing reeking of white suburbia and 2.5 white picket fence, the door is already open, Glenn on the porch in his wheelchair, apparently prepared for his arrival. He idly wonders if Dimitri called him to let him know ahead of time, and then realizes no, that Glenn just knows him  _ that _ well.

“Hey little bro”, Glenn greets Felix as he walks up the pavement. “Would say this is a nice surprise but...can’t say it’s too nice a surprise, huh?”

“So you have your memories too”, Felix says, simultaneously filled with relief and dread- relief, because he wasn’t in this boat alone. Dread, because Glenn would- would remember what happened in his past life. 

“Uptil the Tragedy”, Glenn confirms with a heavy smile, and it makes sense, it does, but it still makes Felix’s heart clench and the part of him that hates Dimitri, the part of him that had never existed until today, gets angrier. 

Glenn must see something in Felix’s expression, because he just sighs and gestures Felix inside his house, grabbing his hand squeezing it in support. Felix squeezes back.

Inside, he busies himself with getting both him and Glenn a glass of water, despite Glenn’s protests that he’s not helpless, thank you very much, and you’re a guest, why are you bringing me water? Once the tray of refreshments is placed upon the table and Felix settles onto his place on the couch, next to Glenn’s, he feels the weight of the situation sink into his skin again. 

“So”, Glenn starts. “How’s Dimitri?”

“How’s Dimitri?” Felix snorts. “Not worried about your own brother?”

Glenn wraps his arm around Felix’s shoulder and tugs him closer, the way he used to do when they were kids and he was trying to comfort Felix about something. The way he used to do after his long knightly excursions away from the Fraldarius estate, before-

“I know my brother can take care of himself. And I know you’re worried about him. So, speak.”

Felix sighs, running his fingers through his hair in a way that has definitely further messed up the vaguely lopsided braid Dimitri did in his hair this morning. “I just- it’s all just kind of fucked up- finding out-”

“Your boyfriend is a reincarnation of the King you were once sworn to?” Glenn’s eyes are knowing, gentle.

Felix takes a deep breath. “Your boyfriend is a reincarnation of the King who killed your brother.”

“Oh, Felix”, Glenn sighs in that gentle tone and Felix hates it- is annoyed by how cavalier Glenn is taking the fact that he fucking died in a past life and left Felix alone-

“What”, Felix says with an edge in his tone. “Are you going to deny it? The fact that he caused-”

“He didn’t cause anything”, Glenn says sharply. “I made my own decisions that day just as I made-”

“This is  _ not _ about that”, Felix hisses, but Glenn just shakes his head. “Maybe not on the surface, but you’re holding that same irrational anger-”

“Irrational? You quite literally died for him, Glenn”, Felix shouts.

“And I would do it again.” Glenn responds just as loudly. “Look, I- I know, how much my- passing hurt you Fe. And I’m sorry that you had to go through that. You deserved better, than to lose your older brother, than to have the entire weight of the family on your shoulders-”

“That’s not-”

“But you have to realize that I decided to die for him that day. Dimitri didn’t ask me to- how could he? He was just a kid. But- that was the time we lived in. We were raised to think it was okay to die for your kingdom. And I know you thought it was brainwashing- hell, looking back, I think it was brainwashing, but that’s just how it was.”

“And that makes it okay?” Felix demands, standing up and fists clenching as he feels tears begin to pool in his eyes. Oh no. He blinks rapidly, trying to get the tears away, but Glenn must notice, because his face softens considerably. This fucker. 

“It doesn’t make it okay Fe”, Glenn says softly, “Of course it doesn’t. But it- quite literally in fact- happened centuries ago. You’ve lived two lives since then. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“I hate it when you talk to me like that”, Felix mutters, but his voice has reached a lower pitch, and his breaths have gotten slower. “Would you be able to move on? If anything happened to me?” 

Glenn looks down at his fingers. “You’re right. I don’t know if I could- maybe I wouldn’t. But it still wouldn’t be Dimitri’s  _ fault _ .” Felix looks down, staring at the singular toenail that Annette had managed to paint blue before Felix kicked her away without remorse. “He was a child, Fe.”

“I  _ know  _ that”, Felix says frustratedly. “Do you think I don’t? But he came back from Duscur and he was so- and then you were gone and father wasn’t talking to me and then he was talking about how your death was a part of some greater good like you were a fucking piece of meat and then I just-”

Felix breaks off, breathing heavily, feeling the tears he’d been holding back stream down his cheeks, and he closes his eyes in an embarrassed rage. What is he- some kind of baby to start bawling at any little problem?

He feels arms circle around his shoulder, and opened his eyes to see Glenn standing unsteadily with his arms around him, trying to give him a hug. He quickly makes the other man get back into his wheelchair, grumbling at him all the while- was he an idiot? - he knew standing would only make his legs worse what the  _ hell _ Glenn?

His brother just holds his hand even as he adjusted his leg to sit back on the couch properly. “It wasn’t okay, and the fact that they made you think it was is horrible. But you weren’t the only one who lost someone that day.”

Felix just closes his eyes. “I know. I  _ know _ it’s not his fault, not really, that it was about the Agarthans and whatever fucked up plot they created-” “Long story”, he said quickly, seeing Glenn’s confused face- “But- it felt like it was, y’know. And the fact that he just stayed the way he was- that that  _ boar _ didn’t make it any better.”

Glenn just watches him measuredly. “Do you think he’s still like that? And what would you do if he was?”

“I-” Felix’s voice catches in his throat. What  _ would  _ he do if Dimitri was back to his half-beast self he had been during the war? If he wasn’t his Dimitri any longer? Felix closes his eyes and thinks of his Dimitri- the boy who’s been friends with him since they were 5 years old and Lambert had first brought around his son for Christmas, the boy who supported him through everything that happened when Glenn, who not only didn’t question it when he decided to drop his fencing scholarship to study neuroscience of all things, but supported him throughout, keeping fed through his late night study sessions. He thinks of the numerous private tabs he had open on his phone, for rings to buy Dimitri once they graduated before the other man could even think of proposing first-

“I would still love him”, Felix said, looking down at his fingers, digging them slightly into the plush velvet couch. 

“There’s your answer”, Glenn said with a gentle tone. 

Felix just closes his eyes, giving into the impulse he’s been ignoring the whole he’s been here, and leans into Glenn’s shoulder. His older brother just wraps his arm around him and lightly strokes his hair, watching him with an understanding look. 

-

Felix shuts the door of his and Dimitri’s apartment as quietly as he possibly can, hanging up his coat and toeing his shoes off as neatly as possible against the entryway (so that Dimitri won't yell at him afterwards). Dimitri’s probably not here judging from the stark silence in the apartment, and Felix doesn’t know how to feel about that- doesn’t know if he feels ready to face the other man yet. 

Then again, he thinks, he did make the choice to come back, so maybe he’s more ready than he thinks he is. He glances around their apartment, taking in the couch that’s still scratched up from when Mercedes and Annette brought over their dog (and Felix doesn’t care what they say- that animal is literal hellspawn), the painting that Dimitri had wanted to paint with Felix to give the apartment their own personal touch (Felix personally thought that their living there would have given the apartment enough of a personal touch but- art had been a great source of healing for Dimitri throughout his therapy so-), the plants that Dimitri kept trying to keep alive (that Felix mostly waters). 

This is his home- his home with the man he loves. A home that wasn’t perfect in any way, shape, or form, but a home that was  _ theirs _ . 

He takes a deep breath and walks towards their bedroom. When he opens the door, he seen Dimitri sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. The blond man looks up at the sound of the door opening and his eyes widen.

“Felix?” Dimitri asks softly, an unbearable amount of hope in his voice.

Felix doesn’t know what to say- doesn’t know if there’s anything he can say. He just looks up to meet Dimitri’s eyes, and he doesn’t know what exactly the other man sees in his own, but Dimitri strides forward with his arms open, and Felix- welcomes it, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man in a way he doesn’t dare to do most days, trying to bury himself into his sweater and forget everything that just happened in the past 10 minutes. Forget that they’ve ever been anything but Felix and Dimitri, two boyfriends living in the 21st century with a joint apartment and potential cat that Dimitri is extremely for and Felix keeps going back and forth on. 

“I love you”, Felix murmurs into Dimitri’s sweater, feeling the slightly rough fibres catch on his chapped lips. Dimitri holds him tighter for a moment and pulls back.

“Can I kiss you?” Dimitri mumbles with that terrible hopeful look in his eyes, and gods, how does he think Felix could ever say no to him when he looks like that? 

Felix nods, and Dimitri presses his lips against his. They’re warm, Felix thinks, and particularly soft and soothing against his own dry ones. They feel like home. 

They stay like that, caught in each other’s warm embrace, and Felix knows that nothing is still okay, but he thinks that maybe it can be. 

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter coming up soon!! go check out [triche ](https://twitter.com/nodavss) if you haven't already
> 
> this is unbeta-ed so super sorry for any errors - feel free to point them out!
> 
> super duper appreciate comments and kudos <3


End file.
